The Chiari Sea

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Drowning in the Chiari Sea

One of my biggest struggles right now is depression and anxiety. OK, two of my biggest struggles. They manage to invade every corner of my life and sadly, the darken the corners of my family’s life too. My daughter tells me that I am bitter and petty. My mother tells me that I am a pessimist who chooses to be unhappy. My stepdad tells me that my glass isn’t half empty, there’s a hole in the bottom of it. I suppose I never have been that happy. I did not have an idyllic childhood. I had a wild adolescence. My brother was murdered on the cusp of my adulthood. Then I got pregnant. By then, the dreams had already faded, I just had to take care of a child for 18 years. If I could manage that, I would have found success. Then the car accident that led to brain surgery and a recovery that was never fully realized. The one thing I had hoped would get me back on track has been the storm that made me crumble. At least before this, I could just not care. Even my stoicism was taken from me and now I have to deal with all these feelings. Feelings of loss, not being good enough, being useless, not being able to parent well, not having a job or a home. I am told I choose to see it this way, and I guess I do. So I guess I deserve to feel this way. That is fine because I am used to a miserable life. I have had one for so long that I wouldn’t know what to do without one. My mother feels like I just choose to not be happy. I guess that is what I choose as I drown in my new life of misery with pain. I don’t want this for other people. If I feel this way, someone else does too. I go to therapy just to be able to tread water. If you feel this way, please get help. There is no shame in not understanding your life or feeling overwhelmed or just being miserable and unhappy. My family loves me and I know they really want the best for me. What is best is that I survive. I want you to survive too. We don’t have to drown in our misery, although we might float there a while.

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6 thoughts on “The Chiari Sea

    • Thanks. It is mostly to get it out in the open that those of us with illnesses and chronic pain have a lot going on behind closed doors in our family, our body, our heart, and or mind and that it is ok and normal to have the feelings. We just have to have a safe place to vent, a good support system, and sometimes a therapist to help us get through it. Thanks for reading!!

      Liked by 1 person

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