In therapy this week, my doctor asked what my hopes and dreams were or my future ambitions. I must admit, I was not prepared to answer such a question. Hopes? Dreams? They died when my brother was murdered. I laid them to rest and I don’t even visit their gravesites.
Ambition was always flexible. I could work toward any goal as long as I was able to plan for it and stay on top of it. Ambition has been in a vegetative state for two years. It isn’t quite dead, but it’s hooked up to a lot of machines to keep it “alive”.
Now is about survival. What do I have to do to make it through the next 12 hours? My phone will let me know when it is time for medicine, when to reorder an Rx, when to write in my journal, when to log my headaches, when to go to the doctor, where I parked the car, how to get from here to there, what my calories and nutrients for a day should be, when I have been sitting for too long, when to practice Italian. The list goes on and on and on. Basically, my phone told me to sit down and write this post. It was time.
When life starts being that constrictive, it is hard to plan outside of that especially when you throw in the uncertainty of not knowing how you will feel any given day and for how long or will this time end up back at the hospital.
When I look at my future, I see a cloudy mass, dark with uncertainty. Will I be able to go back to normal? Will I degenerate? Will my memory come back? Will I be able to work again? Will I be able to afford a car someday? My own house? Nothing. Out of a 15 specialist medical team, all of them are pointing to my brain as the culprit. So, next I go to the Cleveland Clinic Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health and pray that they can offer me a diagnosis so at least I know what I am up against.
So, I told her, I don’t see anything. I don’t hope for anything anymore. I just live to survive. Maybe one day that will change and I will be able to enjoy the wold I live in and again dream of things and have hopes. For now, I just have to take care of today, and that is ok.
One day at a time.
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