Honestly, I drew this because I often have to interact with people and while I always have to take every consideration for their situation and their feelings, they are never actually required to return that service to me. It has been a long road to acceptance of the fact that I will never truly be known by most of the people who call themselves my friends. That even with them, I must hide behind a mask for their comfort, lest they experience the true pain that comes with knowing another person is suffering and you can’t help. I go to church now, and I just avoid everyone. I just don’t even have the fake smiles left to give them. If it’s too bad, I just stay home as then my attitude becomes a problem, but as a minister, I feel conflicted at times. I am not asking God why He is doing this to me, I am asking why his people are so lacking in compassion. I don’t even know how to address the issue because it’s so widespread that I may be one of the only ones who sees it for what it is.
Then again, my ministry is compassion. Of course I would expect it from everywhere because that is the type of person I am. That is not the type of people I am around, and I pray about how to handle that. I can be miserable without having to uphold the fake smile.
The pain is awful at times. Sharp. Strong. Unrelenting. Angry. I use diazepam, and makeup, styled hair, polished nails, even a great outfit sometimes to hide the pain. They tell me I look great and ask me how I am doing. I tell them I made it to church today. It’s not a lie. It’s not “being negative”. Still, I prefer just not speaking to anyone anymore. I don’t have the energy or the focus to pay attention to what they are saying. I am in pain and unfortunately it speaks louder than most people do.