Pain Visualized

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Pain Visualized

Honestly, I drew this because I often have to interact with people and while I always have to take every consideration for their situation and their feelings, they are never actually required to return that service to me.  It has been a long road to acceptance of the fact that I will never truly be known by most of the people who call themselves my friends.  That even with them, I must hide behind a mask for their comfort, lest they experience the true pain that comes with knowing another person is suffering and you can’t help.  I go to church now, and I just avoid everyone.  I just don’t even have the fake smiles left to give them.  If it’s too bad, I just stay home as then my attitude becomes a problem, but as a minister, I feel conflicted at times.  I am not asking God why He is doing this to me, I am asking why his people are so lacking in compassion.  I don’t even know how to address the issue because it’s so widespread that I may be one of the only ones who sees it for what it is.

Then again, my ministry is compassion.  Of course I would expect it from everywhere because that is the type of person I am.  That is not the type of people I am around, and I pray about how to handle that.  I can be miserable without having to uphold the fake smile.

The pain is awful at times.  Sharp.  Strong.  Unrelenting.  Angry.  I use diazepam, and makeup, styled hair, polished nails, even a great outfit sometimes to hide the pain.  They tell me I look great and ask me how I am doing.  I tell them I made it to church today.  It’s not a lie.  It’s not “being negative”.  Still, I prefer just not speaking to anyone anymore.  I don’t have the energy or the focus to pay attention to what they are saying.  I am in pain and unfortunately it speaks louder than most people do.

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