Now I went to God and made my petition known. Not only was I asking for my old life back and none of what I was going trough, but I would read my Bible even more than once a day, and do more Bible studies, and teach more, more conferences, more Duolingo Spanish and Italian every night, Lumosity everyday, go to the gym, cook everyday for my family and other families, just please give me my life back. If not my whole life can I have no headaches? Or can the nausea go away? Can I stop falling? Can I just write more.
One thing I feel negatively affects a lot of people is that they feel like because they are Christians or “good people” or any religion is that many people are made to feel like their illness or condition is somehow their fault. Lets be honest here, you can be a Christian and get cancer. So can an Atheist. Neither deserves it more than the other. Sometimes people get cancer and cancer doesn’t care your religion, skin color socioeconomic background, or any of that. I do not struggle with feeling entitled to better health because I am a Christian. However, I still want the pain to go away, and that is my point I guess. My beliefs have not blinded me to science, I knew there was a chance I would not recover well, I just chose not to believe it which made getting through this process more difficult.
Sorry, just trying to ramble for understanding sake, but might not be working.
Anywho, at some point I ran out of things to bargain with. At the worst of times I pleaded like a dying man for comfort and peace. It’s a hard place to be because when it hurts so bad you think you might die, surprisingly, comfort and love become just was important as medical intervention.
I don’t want to leave out desperation. First, the desperate thoughts come. Here is a list of some of my own:
- just go back to work and work until I am physically broken beyond repair. Handle the pain by developing opiate relationship. (seriously, what is that?!?)
- try to cause an accident that causes enough damage to be immediately declared disabled. (the risks were too high with this; I could live an even worse, more painful life)
- drive head-on into another car (I didn’t want to hurt anyone else tho, so nope)
- take sleep aids all of the time and just sleep life away. (my family would notice)
I acted upon none of these thoughts. See, when I was in that place in life, those thoughts in parentheses were brought to my attention by the people I love. I think this is why it is import to have a support group around you who you can speak freely and frankly to without judgement. That does not stop the thoughts or change how I feel, it gives me perspective so I can see my thoughts from someone else’s eyes. There are times I say what I am thinking out loud to my family and just hearing it lets me know that it is probably not a positive or productive thought.
It is my body (and not someone else’s) so I have to keep dealing with it’s failures. Coming to terms with the fact that there may be nothing that can be done to “fix” me is accepting my limitations, my perceived inadequacies, and loving myself in spite of the changes I have undergone.
So, it’s like finding a unicorn. You really want to, but when you try, it gets difficult quickly.
From time to time I revisit this stage. As a musician, I tend to crave new stages, but the familiar ones are so easy to glide onto. The show must go on, so off I prance to the next stage that will grace me.