Stage 3: Anger

grief2

Don’t get me wrong, I felt angry about something at every stage and on a bad day, that anger is right there to hold my hand and seethe me.  Going through accepting your newly downgraded body/mind while dealing with the deficiencies of this magical gift is definitely anger-inspiring.

I thought about this young man and just the most intense rage would swirl within me slowly growing and swallowing everything.  In my head, his family didn’t even have the decency to have adequate coverage considering how often their son got driving violations.  I was also angry with the system about this.  How does he have a driver license?

The anger grows.

When I wasn’t able to hold things as well anymore it changed and became a constant companion.  Every time I fell.  Every time I stuttered.  Everytime I I forgot what the conversation was about.  Every time I just couldn’t get up.  Everytime I had a painful test.  Everytime I got no answer.

The anger can be consuming.  Many people get stuck at this step of grieving and it isn’t hard to imagine why.  Someone else changed your life forever, yet they get to live a normal life.  He got some traffic fines.  His parents’ car insurance probably dropped them.

The anger has no rationale.

People in their early 20’s are just idiots.  You shouldn’t be able to drive unless you can parallel park between 2 dimes with only 2 movements.  I should set their house on fire, bet they wouldn’t like how inconvenient that is (*NO ACTS OF ARSON WERE COMMITTED*).  I should sue them for the car their son hit me with.

Misdirection is a best-friend of anger.  In the end, I was angry that I lost all of my time spend at school, angry that my body felt weak and fragile for the first time. angry that I could never horseback ride again, and so many more things.  I was angry because I felt like he took that all away from me.  No apology, no offer to help, he hit me, drove off, and left me to a live a completely different life.

I still have my days.  I have had to come to terms with each angry thought individually.  They all deserve to be addressed.  Yet, some days I have EVERY SYMPTOM and my body is revolting against me.  Things hurt in my head that I don’t think people were made to experience.  Luckily we are built to endure even the most torturous pain inflicted upon us, internal and external.

I have a lot more peace about the accident and it’s outcome since I began therapy and have been able to work through many issues.  Still, I am human and at some point I will be angry.  The key is controlling it better and better each time so I can thing through anger and not have such a negative reaction to things that upset me.  There is a better way, we just have to be willing to learn.

If you are angry, I want to let you know that you have every right to experience the emotions you feel.  It is unhealthy to push your feelings down so please seek the counsel of a therapist or friend of whatever allows you to safely express yourself.  We all want to be strong, but our feelings are valid and deserve our attention, especially when they cause tension or stress.

I know how hard it is to break up with anger, but it is toxic.  Be angry but continue to move forward as this stage turns into a macabre venue to spend your time if you linger.  Learn to forgive, learn to let go, remember, it’s ok to be sad.

From here we move to the next stage that no matter how hard you practice, it’s wrong.  That’s ok though, it’ll be over eventually, right?

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