Stage 4: Anxiety And Depression

grief4

Was there ever a more perfect pair?  In my personal experience, depression digs the rut and anxiety makes you afraid to get out.  I have spent my life defining myself by my ability to accomplish.  The accomplishments themselves were not nearly as important as the ability to do it.  I COULD work on a car, I COULD landscape a yard, I COULD clean a pool, I COULD take 9 classes and work and volunteer and be a mom all at the same time.

As the realizations about my mental, cognitive, and physical status began to sink in, I felt like I sank into the earth.  Not able to do the things I was used to being able to do, I no longer felt useful.  The things I love became things I didn’t want to talk about or hear about.

I got tired of hearing that my friends were getting married, buying houses, going on vacations, living their best lives (*through my personal lens, which was very out of focus*) and here I was dealing with headaches, unable to use the bathroom normally, and unable to get through the day without multiple naps.

It was like the blackness that swallowed me in anger left me bitter and depressed and unable to see value in myself.  Then my eyes were veiled in bitterness and I saw value in nothing anymore.  Making it to the point where I felt like I was just existing was the lowest place for me.  Just the disappointment of opening my eyes everyday and coming back to the realization the ‘this is my life’ was changing my thought pattern and things were getting dark in my mind.  I couldn’t fix anything going on, so how was life worth it anymore?  So, I decided to seek help and get a psychologist and psychiatrist.

If intervention had waited longer, I might not have made it.

Interestingly enough, my psychologist focused on my anxiety.  If I was depressed about something I could get specific about, then she would turn to the anxieties surrounding it.  I have (as of writing this) been in therapy for 10 months and the one thing I always try to carry with me from therapy is that I am prone to try to repair and repair instead of looking for a new solution or viewpoint.  I am anxious to know if my health issues are going to be permanent but if they are, so what?  I have to learn to live with them.  This is obviously over-simplified, but I am always willing to at least try the methods and tools my therapist gives me to help look at my thoughts from multiple angles.

One way I do that is by writing.  If I am very anxious about something I will write it down and read it to myself and imagine one of my friends wrote it to me for advice.  Seems silly, but it works for me because I often feel like other people deserve better than I do, so it helps me put my thoughts into a more realistic perspective.  I deserve to be happy or safe or cared for just like any and everybody else.

Still, I have plenty to work on in therapy and I would not say I am totally out of this neck of the woods.  As my treatments change and we test and get answers, I will have other woes and fears.

Many people don’t realize that you can go through this whole grief process with every symptom (I have about 17) and after every disappointing specialist (I have about 14) because each new thing takes something else away that you now must mourn.  The feelings overlap and mix and can be overwhelming.  My support system and my medical team all keep a close eye on my depression and anxiety because I won’t be able to improve if I lose hope.

The worst anxiety I have is that I will have these symptoms forever.  Headache and nausea for the next 20 years is an unbearable thought.  However, I currently temper it by telling myself that I have made it this far without answers and whatever happens I have my family and my faith and I can cross some bridges when I get there.  I only have to worry about my headache today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.

I am not saying these are the universal experiences of anxiety and depression.  I only know what I go through.  However you’re feeling it, I encourage you to seek professional help if you have feelings of depression and anxiety.  At least find someone who you trust to get your feelings out so they can be validated.  Depression is not a ‘phase’ in life, it is a stage that must be addressed when it is where you are.  Same with anxiety, it is a stage that needs to be addressed.

If you find yourself being the third-wheel of this strange pas de deux, try not to get caught up in their dance.  The spotlight burns your soul and turns you into a shell of your former self. Spend your time on this stage and figure out what is the root of your depression and anxiety and come up with a plan that will restore peace of mind to your life.  You may not get the diagnosis you desired, but there are people who have it worse in some way but have rediscovered the joy of living. I want to enjoy my life again and I want you to also.

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