Stage 5: Loss Of Self and Confusion

All of those things I was depressed about and had anxieties over?  They have manifested into many questions about how I will define myself in the future.  With the bitter portion mostly cleaned out I am left with pieces of myself that don’t seem to be who I was.

I picture it like broken glass that spent time being smoothed by sand and time.  So many abrasive feelings had to come out and the changed the pieces of me that were left.  Time has left the glass warped and changed.  None of the pieces fit back together like I remember.  I often feel like I am living in someone else’s body.  Really, I have to internalize the idea that I am free to choose who and what I want to be within my limits.  However, I have to stop being scared to be something.

I am afraid of being broken again.  I have put myself back together so many times, but this has been the hardest journey of my life.  This is the one that seriously made me question the value of living in pain.  I still struggle with that question when the pain is very bad.  At that moment, I am a person who likely can’t even feed herself.  Is this who I will be?

I struggle with wondering what I will be able to do to earn an income or if the issues I have render me disabled, what will I do with myself?  Right now these are possibilities of who I may become.  That’s scary stuff.  I have always acted and done things KNOWING who I was.  I am not the same lady from a few years ago.  I have lost some physical ability and sometimes my brain goes on the fritz, but I have gained wisdom and patience so I don’t even approach things the same way.  So does that make me untrue to myself?  Why do I hold such allegiance to my former self?

She commanded power and respect.  She was not meek and kind.  Not really forgiving or tactful.  I don’t feel strong life that anymore.  I don’t feel like a fearsome woman with laser focus on what I want.  I just want everyone to love each other and be nice and thoughtful and respect my personal space.  Who am I?

I am underdeveloped right now.  My whole life has been altered and I am being created with my new life.  Piece by piece, day by day, trial by trial.

What keeps me so hopeful is that the change is taking place.  It is a long process, but I am moving forward and I am sure after I work out some more anxieties and other issues, I will be able to see who and what I am being crafted into and what my purpose is.

Should you find yourself on this stage, nothing will feel familiar. You might have to improvise a dance, but you may learn that you had a skill you were unaware of.  This stage is frightening and the house is empty except for the shadow of your former self peering at you from off-stage.  I just tell myself, I can’t dance like you (old me) anymore, I have a new dance, and that’s ok!

This stage can be scary but it opens you up to lay the groundwork for healthy recovery or living.  You deserve to ask yourself the questions and you can try to figure it out yourself or seek professional help for dealing with this confusing stage.  You will strip your emotions and idea of self to the core and from here you will spin onto the the next stage in this progression.

Anxiety Bae

My anxiety man.

The thing I have begun to realize about anxiety is that even in the same person, it can manifest itself in different ways.  In myself it is often a stream of depressive and negative thoughts that just get worse and more outrageous he longer the cycle continues.  Or, I will cook.  I will cook for hours and days, all sorts of meals.  Way too much for my family to eat.  It is a physical show of anxiety.  If I don’t have a headache, I will go to the gym and give all of my frustration and anxiety to the weights.

Still, at times I get carried away with my anxiety and we go somewhere off the deep end for a while and it takes some time to get back to reality.  It happens.  I work through it in therapy, and if you check out The Life Of A Music Monkey you can see my Monkey Countdown where I am working on getting my anxious thoughts under control and turning them around.  Everything is a process.

So, don’t be too hard on yourself if you have a day where the negative feelings seem to be winning.  You are still an amazing person with the ability to try again and win the fight.  I am still on the circuit, I am no champion.  I have not defeated the darkness and saved the kingdom.  Some days, I just sit in the forest of despair and eat guilt berries, just like everyone else.  Eventually, I get back to the task of fighting the battles and winning a bit, losing a bit, and learning a lot in the process.