One of the biggest problems that me and my neurologist struggle with is that in the heat of the moment, I don’t really remember that I have lost the ability to remember much, so I think I will remember like I used to, but later I learn the errs of my ways…again! The worst partis constantly feeling bamboozled by my brain?
I have a phone that takes notes in at least four different ways, I keep a memory log (which I often forget about!), and I always have paper with me. No reason I should not have access to all of the information I receive, but that old part of me just swears that we got this, meanwhile, my whole brain is on fire as I think too hard about what it was I forgot!
This process has been repeating itself since as long as I can remember…which isn’t long, so I can’t really give an answer. I suspect that it has been at least since the surgery, possibly since a little before. Memory was one of the first major symptoms behind the pain and nausea.
My phone calendar is full of therapies, appointments, naps, meds, and more therapies. I am trying to get better at remembering, but am considering having a pin made that says “if I didn’t write it, you didn’t say it”. Not sure how people would take it. I realize my inability to remember their super important information is anathema in their eyes, but I am not the person everyone remembers and wants me to be from 2014. Trust me, if I could go back I would, but, that isn’t how it works, so here I am. Thinking I am in 2014 in my head (because time hasn’t really moved for me) in terms of cognition and 2016 in terms of time. I feel like the world went on without me when I remember that I forget. Every time I remember that I can’t drive it seems like I was driving yesterday (I was not!) but it seems like it.
These are the worst because they bring up three years worth of misplaced emotions and fractured memories. I can’t drive because someone drove into the back of my car as I turned into church to use the restroom. Such a simple act changed my whole life. Ruined my dreams, stopped and reversed my vocal progress, and made into what I am today.
However, the blessing is really in the fact that I don’t have to carry the weight of my emotional burden everyday because I just think I am on a day off from work or it’s the weekend. It still has not permanently seeped in yet that I don’t actually work, but that is ok! Things take time and hopefully as my life shifts I will just find a new “work” that I do and maybe keep a note telling me to write things down!