2016 will go into my journal as a very forgettable year; I can’t remember most of it. The things I can remember are worth forgetting (looking at you, election!!). More than any other year, I have seen a large number of my friends get married. I put so much energy into bettering myself and learning who I am and want to be, that I decided that a relationship was a drain of my precious, limited time.
As I look forward to 2017, I have not a single plan. There is no more school. There is no more work. I have hour upon hour of free time to think about how I should have reached out and maybe went on a date or two. It felt different when I was consciously decided to not date. Now, I am getting ready for my disability appointment and I feel like that is a black mark. I am no longer a productive member of society. I do not keep a schedule. I have gained weight since surgery. I can’t remember much of what I hear of say.
Honestly, a year ago, I would not have wanted to date someone with these issues. I didn’t have time for that. Now I guess I have projected that onto myself and I don’t see how anyone would want to date me. How would someone feel if I cancelled half of our dates because I “don’t feel good today”? How would I feel? How would someone feel if I needed another brain surgery? Would they be willing to deal with me in a physically infantile state?
I have always worked the loneliness away. I discovered how smart and fun I am. I finally tapped into my true singing voice. I found a home in my church family. I finally was feeling confident parenting alone. I felt like a combination of all these things was enough to keep me asleep at night. Now, I am awake at night, living with pain, and knowing that I only have 4 years until my daughter spreads her wings and I will be alone.
I hadn’t planned on worrying about this for another 30 years and I had hoped to not care by then. I am no longer flirty. I do not wish to bear children. I could care less about shaving my legs. I am just a girl who wishes it would all go away and I could enjoy my previous life.
That being said, I will be happy for my friends because they deserve to be happy and encouraged. I will start attending weddings in 2017 (breaking my 20 year anti-wedding streak!!) and I will be a witness to their happy moments. I will cheer for them and clap for them, and smile at them. Then, when I go home and settle in after these events, I will thank God that I am alive and able to see that kind of joy and happiness.