I admit that when I am in pain and I have to go to church or a meeting of anything important, I will put a lot of effort into my makeup. At this point, I use Swarovski flat-backs to give a good 3D sparkle. I have used up to three layers of under-eye concealer just to not look like I got punched in the eyes by lack of sleep. I use enough foundation to secure a skyscraper and enough concealer to wipe away entire countries. The I pick a vibrant blush and put it on my cheeks, forehead, tip of nose, and chin. I blend it well, usually you can barely tell it’s there, but it allows me the pink “alive” look as I sometimes look like I have been sleeping for days (because I have). I use highlighter with reckless abandon; I need EVERYTHING to shine from some angle.
The last thing I choose is my lipstick and that is dependent on the colors I am wearing and how much I want to command attention. I have about four shades of red that I love, a pink that is like bubble gum but looks great with Spring colors. Purple for when I wear green. Then all my special shades from just ‘sparkle’ to matte black. I usually try to stay reasonable though as I do have to look professional more often than not when I bother to wear makeup.
Here’s the thing that people have a hard time grasping; I am doing it so that I can just feel better about the war in my body. It has nothing to do with compliment fishing ot trying to outdo people. I had people asking if I took clients?! I have not done my makeup because I feel great. People associate looks with health, and that is kinda natural, but it really isn’t any reason to say anything out loud.
People seem to believe that their thoughts on my looks or condition have some sort of positive affect on me and they just don’t. I don’t care if you think I look nice and so I must be feeling better. I don’t care if you think that I look like I am improving. I have an agenda that does not include you nor your thoughts on anything.
Does that seem harsh? Guess what? Don’t care. See, I have seen enough of people to know that the ones who really are looking out for me can see my tired eyes through the eye designs. They can see my foot dragging no matter how well I try to hide it! They ask me how I am doing or they just say hi and give me a hug. They draw no more attention to me than any normal person wants. On Sunday, yes sometimes I draw vines with flowers on my eyelids and I give myself golden freckles, I do it because it makes me smile at myself every time I see myself in the mirror or in a reflection. It is actually great is it brightens up someone else’s day, but really, you don’t have to feel compelled to tell me and then directly correlate that to my health.
It is very possible that I am in the minority because I also cannot take a compliment. Like, a gentleman at church asked me why I wear makeup when my face is naturally beautiful (his words, definitely not mine!!) and I asked him why men thought that they had the right to comment on how I choose to look? I told him that he had a wife and SHE is who he can ask about makeup. He said she doesn’t care about his opinion either.
Let it be a mystery. Stop putting women, especially women with hidden illness, in the uncomfortable place of telling you to mind your own business. Ask your sisters. Ask your mom or wife. If you get a sassy answer from them, DON’T ASK OTHER PEOPLE! Find a different rabbit hole to dig down. The importance of looks has been socially ingrained into our psyche and we can get very emotional if we really try to figure out why we are wearing Jazzberry lipgloss and not Hot Tart lip creme, you might open up some emotional scars, so just STOP!
Just in case you need some kind of answer, I will leave a few:
- Because I am dehydrated and my skin looks like an arid wasteland.
- Because I am in the point in my cycle where my face turns into an angry minefield of pus and devastation.
- Because I FELT LIKE IT, WHY?!